My hair is currently violet - well a mix of colors cause it's faded big time. It was turquoise = loved it & then it was violet which wasn't so great. i may just do it red... like Rihanna/Raquel Reed red (see photos below). Eventually go back to platinum blonde or black with a chunk of blonde or some color. I DO love my dolly bangs though.

At the beginning of the year I started school for Forensic Science. I'm currently in BIO & English Comp 2 (ends tomorrow). Overall I'm doin pretty good, getting a mix of A's, B's & C's. My goal is to do even better, possibly get on the Dean's list and definitely pass every class so that I don't have to retake any courses. Next July (2012) I will be getting my Associates and going towards my Bachelor's.
Never thought I'd go to school but I'm glad I am even if it is a pain in the ass.

In the middle of Oct - the 16th, I started dating this guy. I've had so much bad luck with guys, a lot of bad apples and this guy... he seems pretty awesome. We don't know each other well enough yet but I thoroughly enjoy his company and his quirkyness. He has the prettiest eyes and I'm just complete mush when I look into his eyes. Ive never been this comfortable with someone, to the point where I can lay next to them and look into their eyes...for minutes on end. I have trouble with looking someone in the eyes for too long, it makes me uncomfortable but not him. Part of me wants to enjoy this and accept the fact he makes me so comfortable and part of me is afraid because of past experience where once I think it's goin well or when I really start to like the guy, then it all goes to shit. I've been trying to be optimistic and enjoy what we have. He only plans to date me(has no interest in dating others) and Ive come to the conclusion that I should probably do the same just because I like him, he makes laugh, smile and I constantly think about him... so in other words. it'd be pointless to date other guys when I'm only thinkin about him. :)

He is equally comfortable with me and has his own issues when it comes to being afraid of getting hurt. Who isn't afraid of getting hurt? It's definitely scary to like someone, invest in them, give yourself to them and show them who you really are. It's scary cause you're at your most vulnerable. Sometimes I feel like i'm going to explode with lil mushy feelings, so I thought a journal entry was in order. The other night we just hung out, laughed, talked and cuddled and I just looked at him while I stroked his hair, rubbed his back etc.. and he would just look at me and randomly kiss me..and we would just lay there. Saying it just sounds so stupid but that whole moment was perfect and I can't explain how loved I felt at the moment as stupid as that sounds. I studied him... his dark hair, his incredibly light blue sexy eyes, long eyelashes, his tattooed sleeve etc.

I am a romantic and tend to wear my heart on my sleeve. I just really hope that things progress with this guy cause he seems neato. All in all we like each other, so lets see what happens.:)

Now that I've written all this crap out, I feel better. I should be writing papers for school but I can't write HW related stuff right now.. too much research needs to be done. I'll just go to sleep and get up and do it..and then go to my friends house. Yay, chillin with friends and video games = good times.

NEXT HAIR IDEA

I've been dating lately & I'm stuck. I like this one guy who makes me laugh, have a bit in common with, easygoing, is caring/loving, will go out of his way for me, is stable financially & in general (& he wants to be with me) & he is tall/has tatts - which i love & THEN I have this other dood who I have alot in common with - same movies/a love for zombies, music, video games, they way he looks is what i go for (Tall & heavily tattooed greaser guy), he seems super nice & easygoing, likes animals & is sweet to me although I'm not sure if he likes me that way.I feel awkward liking two guys & not knowing what to do..I guess its too soon to tell but it is kinda funny. Ahwell..Theres no point in deciding right now considering it takes time..but how long can someone wait for you if they want to be with you & dont want you dating other people?

I guess i'll just have to feel it out..

Fuck..I'm still bummed.I broke up w/ my bf about 2-3 wks ago & even though I've started dating again, doing my own thing..I miss him.I'm angry with myself for the fact that I had soo much anxiety that I felt the need to call/msg him soo much at the end. He was always consistent - called 2x a day (well once a day mainly), we saw each other frequently - all his doing. He wanted to meet my friends & fam -(met some of my friends).He seemed super into me & so towards the end when he got sick for a wk & the following week..once he was well we made plans.He seemed stoked & told me he'd call the following day(our day to chill) he never called.So I called & left a msg, no reply & it went on like that for 3 days straight.I felt I was being ignored by that point (at first I thought something happened..cause he never flakes & always returns my calls/msgs).I went from sad,confused to angry.My last voicemail was basically if I ddnt hear back by the following day, I'd assume we're over.No reply.So my anger came out & I wrote him an angry/hurt email.Despite my anger..my email was still somewhat nice except I called him a coward/selfish & said all he had to do was tell me it was over or atleast tell me what was going on instead of leaving me to wonder.Even if he was busy a quick call wouldve been fine but I felt he was testing me..cause why would someone purposely be an ass? Anyway of course this email got his attention & he wrote back angrily sayin that I didnt even know w hat he had been upto & he had been busy & was hoping i'd chill out but I guess noot & fyi next time chill out!. I of course felt bad when I read this email..I apologized for the name calling,saying it was uncalled for but explained that I was confused as to what had happened/why he flaked & I didnt wanna break up..it was just confusion/anger.I had said that if he had just told me he was busy..i wouldve left him alone.I also mentioned I'd like to be on good terms/start over if possible. No reply. This was 3 wks ago. I wrote him recently saying I missed his company & that I really was sorry for the name calling. I know i shouldnt apologize more than once or ..maybe not even apologetic at all..but I cant help it. Even if i hadnt called him the day he flaked..it wouldnt have been me..its not my style & I feel it wouldve been saying "its okay to flake on me..I mean nothing" but I was his gf & it wasnt okay for him to decide to blow me off just cause he was busy.I really do want us to be on good terms.. I hate the fact i miss him(we had alot of fun together).I should be mad at him..but I cant be anymore.. my anger turned into feeling bad. I guess thats what he was going for when he responded to my upset email(although I dunno why he responded..seems if he really hated me/wanted to ignore me..why write me & then say fyi next time chill out? WTF??).He knows I was just upset, he knows I didnt mean what I said & he knows the fact that being flakey is my biggest pet peeve. I trusted him & I feel he purposely hurt me...to see if I was a big bitch or not..why purposely push my buttons..when I've been nothing but nice & a loving gf?

I cant seem to sleep tonight.. I have to get up in a few hrs & all these random thoughts are floating around preventing me from sleeping.I wish I could meet someone that accepts Im a nice person & doesnt try to destroy me or run away from me because I'm genuine. Someone that can make me laugh, laughs at crap I say. Someone I can be myself with.It seems some of the guys Ive dated like my last ex & the ex before that..theyre not used to a nice/caring girl..someone who wouldnt fuck them over. I feel im being punished because I'm the nice girl & I date the ruined men who freak out over that after dating me awhile.They fall for me quickly(calling me daily/wanting to see me daily,..mentioning moving in together & other possible future plans, wanna meet my friends or fam & then when it seems its great..they break up w/ me.

It's frustrating. I'm just rambling...I'm gonna try to get a nap in..cause this is ridiculous. I'm hoping this week is awesome..cause right now I feel shitty & I need to stop thinkin about him..cause hes not worth it & I know I could do way better but I feel I may never meet the right guy...just right nows.:/ That sucks.

So over this past week, I've been wondering whats up w/ my faux bf.Well..we were never officially a couple but we weren't dating others at the time.Last time I wrote on here, he had been tryin to get his shit together & help/deal with family.One of the fam members is dying so basically he said to me " not to sound like a dick but family and business comes first"
I thought..well..okay...understandable about the fam part but I didnt think that meant for us to stop talking all together. Another thing he had mentioned was that when he starts working hes gonna be all business and throws himself completely into work (hes 100% business).I find it weird that he cant balance everything but I know some people are like that..so I ignored it.Hes the type of person that only msgs when hes available (i realize that now) because he doesnt randomly call or txt just to say hello..only when he's free - which he did not too long ago.He wanted me to see his car, he brought it over & was acting weird (maybe its the xanax) and it was a lil blah & that was that.Occasionally id msg say hello or joke around - a cpl of txts & nothing but when I say "Everything ok? Whats up? u havent replied..& just wondering whats up" THEN..when i send somethin like that..acting that I'm worried THEN he replies & explains. His explanation recently was the same fam bs cept this time hes gonna do a yard sale to sale all the stuff from the dying fam member's house.I understood but was annoyed.I told him that id like to keep in touch seeing we cant hang & that if i msg - itd be nice to get a reply that day not days later. & he agreed saying "yeah sounds good" & he added that he might msg the next night & then retracted & said that he WOULD msg me the next night, which he never did. I let it slide cos of the yard sale & a week went by & then a cpl of days..still nothing. I was in the area last night ( a mutual friend lives down the st from his house) this was late at night..so when I drove by I noticed his car wasnt there & I got pissed for many reasons: 1.he had the time to go out & didnt bother to msg to say hello/or hang. 2. hes prob out drinking w/ someone that can drive his car(i cant drive stick) 3. for making me feel stupid. 4. for his stupid friends forever speech - see below and maybe more reasons.

I ended up txting him telling him that I was in the area/didnt see his car & fig he must be out havin fun.that he was supposed to msg & never did & still hasnt.So much for caring and being friends no matter what (he gave me a speech one of the last times we hung out sayin he'd be in my life no matter what & this speech wasnt inspired by anything I said).him havin a car/not msgin made me feel like I was right about the car thing(that he would no longer need me or care) &then ended the msg off w/ "I'm an idiot for caring :("

I know it was unnecessary to send a txt but I couldnt help it.. fuck him for makin me feel dumb.I'm sure being busy and fam shit is true but his fingers arent broken..so he couldve atleast said hi or apologized for not msging me like he said he would. He never let me down before but this shit is new & its irritating.

I havent heard anything as of yet & I dont intend to. He may think I'm crazy or maybe he'll feel bad.. it'll prob be the first one..who knows.

As a lover he was pretty damn good & maybe thats why I hung onto him as long as I did but I also knew that it would end sooner or later because even though he wanted me/didnt want me to date others..he always attempted to keep me around..made sure i wouldnt leave but never acted like he shouldve. He was hot n cold.We liked each other alot but he was unbalanced.
Its a damn shame & it upsets me but I'll get over it.
I'm tired..didnt sleep well & now have to get up & eat something - ive got errands to run :/ .Wow this post is long lol.
Going to the movies later though..yay :)

So I'm gettin a lil frustrated with the guy I'm dating. He's a good guy but the lil things bother me - like the fact he doesn't txt me durin the day just to say hi or quick reply via text...instead he waits a day or two later until he has a lot of time to talk or to hang.I don't think we've ever just talked...everytime we talk its cos we're going to hang out. I feel we shouldnt have to wait till then and I also think he doesn't need to write me a novel...just a hello or a nice day will do but maybe I expect to much. I also think he's like jekyl and hyde and when we're together there are many sides to him. He's either really loving or mellow/quiet and seems insecure.when he's in mellow mood, its like we're back at square one..like we're not dating. I guess I gotta accept things that will work for us or just find someone else.I know we like each other but liking each other may or may not be enough. Each of us need to put a good amount into this and he doesn't know how to balance.He has heart to hearts with me and is bothered if I don't look at him or constantly wonders if I like him..which I'm wonderin if that's a self esteem issue plus he doesn't want me to date others..but its hard not to when I'm not his gf and he's a lil unbalanced. He's doin much better (ie got a license/car/workin) which is great..but I wonder if he'll disappear and he said he wouldn't, that would be a fucked up/asshole thing to do. I guess we'll see if things get better or just fall apart.

I met someone recently that I like but he reminds me of someone that I was heavily infatuated/in love? with. Except the guy he reminds me of is incredibly moody/sensitive..liked me a lot but was just plain weird and we could never be a couple. The only reason this current guy reminds me of him is cos of his features..he looks slightly middle eastern w dark hair/dark eyes..somewhat full lips etc. Except for this dood is goofy/cheerful seems sensitive. And seems a bit more stable etc. I find him sexy.he can cook which is awesome.I love his faux hawk...can't help but pull his hair.mmmmmm

Ramble ramble ramble dammit.I need to eat - turkey burger time.

Me = The Rock N Roll Unicorn...

The guy i've been dating & I had taken time apart (so he can deal with fam issues & get his shit together). He called me the other night & was so happy to talk to me (normally we txt) and instead we had almost an hr convo via phone.It was really nice.So I went to visit him, we went & hung out at the park & talked for a couple of hrs.He finds it hard to believe that I like him & cant seem to fathom why.He said that I deserve better. I told him why I like him & told him to quit worrying.I even asked if he wanted me to date others, which he quickly replied with a no lol.

Yeah he has a shitty past - was a bad boy but now he doesnt do/isnt like that..its been 2 yrs.I mean hes a good person, he makes me laugh, hes talented in many ways, smart, driven, i love waking up next to him, watching him sleep...being near him.Regardless of what happens with us he told me he wants to be in my life & be my friend.We'll see about that. but for now im enjoying him and I wish he would just accept I like and care for him.

He says im so genuine and that thats rare.Im a good girl, smart, super sweet and the type of chick thatd stick by her guy no matter what.It was funny hearing all this stuff and the fact he worries about why i like him. On top of that i dated his friend before I dated him..(it was super brief) but he ran into his friend the other day and tells me" i saw YOUR lover the other night" im like "what?...whatre u talkin bout" then he goes on to tell me.. and i said oh god, ur silly. - i said that we were never lovers..well beginning ones ( we wouldve been, that shit wouldve been bomb and i wouldve made him my bitch..but anyway..i digress lol.). He mentioned it a few times and on top of that asked about a friend of mine that happens to be a guy..the way he asked about him was kind of in a smart ass tone.Ah, jealousy..
he has no reason to be jealous.. i find it kind of cute though lol.I <3 him. Theres somethin hot about a guy that is so passionate..and that despite his stature..he can pick me up..thats hot.mm mmm mm.

Im just rambling now..this post meant to be short and turned out to be a ramble fest.
Ramble ramble ramble....

Last time I wrote, I had written about my ex. We are still on talking terms but it didnt go anywhere. We had been hanging out, talked about being tired of the dating scene and talked about us possibly dating each other...again. Well, things went downhill for him, he disappeared & then reappeared when things started to go better and now all of a sudden he has a gf and is apparently soo happy. I was annoyed to hear that considering he talked about me being a top idea for a gf or whatever..if he planned on dating. Anyhoo, I ended up meeting someone else through a friend. I had liked this guy's friend & we hung out, talked about his friend, life etc. We both like music, both are musicians or creative in some way or another.Even though he was meant for a friend of mine ( well my friend's friend) - things didnt work out for them..she didnt like him & he ended up liking me.. & wondered if I liked him.( I didnt want to get romantic with him cos of my friends..seemed to complicated). Well one thing lead to another and we ended up dating.It's been a couple of months. I still find him to be nice but of course I know him better now...so I see his flaws - a couple thatre read flags or that I could or could not deal with (everyone as flaws..so I take some of them lightly). Hes currently turning a new leaf is bettering himself/dealing with crap in his life. So i'm trying to be a good pseudo gf and give him his space, even though its hard seeing that we normally talk or see each other daily. I like him alot....kinda crazy. Seeing that he's doing his thing/needs to get his shit together or deal with fam..Im unsure if I should date others (we're not exclusive but we're not dating others & therefore I feel like its cheating). So I took up working out/eating better because I dont need to think about dating & I really need to lose weight.

Lately I've been wii fitting it up, working out on the treadmill, dancing and other exercises. I would like to do it any hr a day but currently its just a half hr. My goal is to lose 80lbs by Halloween. I started last Wed at 217lbs & I think ive lost like 3 lbs ( wont know till Wednesday...thats my weigh in day). Despite the fact I weigh alot... I think I hide it well :).I'm tired of being a fatty. The smallest size i've worn is a 13..& I was 13 at that time, I'm 26 now & I'm about to be 27 next mo...I need to get on the ball fo sho! lol. My goal is to lose all the weight & actually grow out my hair ( had long hair at 13 yrs old and cut it..that was the last time it was long). I recently got betty page bangs.I had missed em..I love having bangs like that but theyre a pain esp. if u have a cow lick in the front like I do LOL.

On another note.. I'm a big gamer & my fave game system just died - my xbox 360. 2nd red ring of death.I prob could fix it but for now I'm using my wii and ps2. I might just buy a ps3 eventually. It still bums me out not having a xbox 360.I have sooo many games for it.. :( whatta waste.

Ive been having trouble sleeping, its 4:30 am - I'm gonna try to sleep..cos I need to quit being a zombie and be up at a reasonable hr. Goodnight :)

My Fave Bodies (I want a body like this - curvy/hour glass body with a big booty and killer stomach.

Im annoyed. My ex & I have been in contact & we've been nice to each other. His emotions are girlie.. (I didnt msg ofr a cpl days & he was annoyed) Even though he broke up w/ me for practically for a lame reason like " I wasnt feeling it anymore".Comin from someone who called/saw me daily - he did all the contacting, made sure I met his whole fam, wanted to "keep me",hypothetically talked about the future, said I was the nicest/best gf & in a flip of a switch he decided to break up,He seemed incredibly sad, as if I broke up w/ him..but we obviously didnt get back together. So we talked the other day, cos i just got back from my trip. He seemed happy to hear from me & then randomly mentioned "yes u were right, the other day - it was a date" I said oh okay. He felt the need to fill me in on who he's dating (I know her) so he made sure I knew who it was & said shes into this & that & I didnt know we had that much in common.theyve known each other for awhile & I never was threatened by her , he never showed interest in her - whether or not he knew i was looking.They way he talked, it's like he was TRYIN to get me upset/jealous.No matter if I changed the sub - he'd go back to talkin bout her.I also found out shes being a suga mama to him - payin for everything, insisting they do these things.

We hung out the next day for coffee & he talked about our relationship, why we broke up & I told him we broke up cos he anticipated bad things to happen (hes been cheated on/lied to in every relationship or the fam didnt like the gf).So therefore his feelings/our relationship didnt progress cos he was too busy ruining it in his head.So he gave up.He nodded - seemed he agreed but who cares.He's like a broken record.. he brings up our relationship - why it died. I dont wanna hear about why he broke my heart x10.I hadnt seen him in a wk & a half - so he had this shit eating grin on his face. He gave me the once over/dbl take & seemed super happy to see me..which killed me cos I felt like kissing him..but I know he's hanging w/ someone else, so...I cant. *we jokingly talked about intimacy..sexual innuedos & such*.

We had a good time talking. I talked to him like a friend cept for the fact I left out that I had a date that night..cos I'm not gonna rub it in his face, like he did me.I feel he tests me to see if im still into him, to show that I am for an ego boost or whatever the reason is.
It hurts hes dating someone else but what hurts more is the fact I know the bitch. Granted he doesnt want to be exclusive w/ anyone but ...i dont like knowin who hes dating - its like a bomb that went off in my head..& occassionally I think of them together.. which is why i didnt wanna know..

I had a good day when I saw him cos I had a date or so.. & it was really nice.Aside from that I just get these waves of sadness..like thinkin bout our relationship - the good..cos there was really no bad at all & then I think of him w/ her. Eventually i wont think of any of this..but it takes time & I feel 25% better than I did when we broke up.I was a crying/crazy mess. I was anxious, naseous & couldnt eat or had no interest in anything or anybody.I just felt soo hopeless..like he was my one & only penquin.. - as lame as that sounds.

My date was this guy I met at the bar the night before. He looked like Adam Lavigne *lead singer of Maroon 5* but taller & muscular.A lil group of us hung out & drank.He was wasted & felt the need to get naked.. despite the fact of his nakedness/seeming he wanted to get laid - we exhanged numbers. I didnt take him seriously but he was semi sweet in a drunken horn dog way. He msged & wanted to get together the next day.So we did - we went out for dinner - I had some tasty margaritas & we chatted.Went to the bar for karaoke & more drinks.(I actually told my ex bout him gettin naked randomly & he said - had u been attracted to him, would u have done something then? (cos i told him i told the guy im NOT THAT kinda girl - which is true). I told my ex " well i was attracted to him..but i dont care how hot u are..im not gonna screw u")

Anyway our date was interesting. I found him incredibly sexy.. hes got a killer body - yeah, i looked when he presented himself to me the night before.lol.Sue me!.He blows money cos he has it & drives a car that screams sex - a blue, sleek sportscar.He seems a lil like the jealous type which doesnt bother me, has been married before & has a kid - He seems like he has goals/knows what he wants, is older & not that he's my future ex..but  it was nice to be taken out & wanted. This past month ive felt like a potato sack w/ lipgloss..just raggedy lookin & not cute.I dunno what it is about men that ooze sex.The ones that u know will make love to u  like ur the only one or that seem they know every inch of your body.Good times.
 
My cure for getting over someone is to get under someone else lol. JK - not really, but date others basically...not necessarily "gettin under" anyone lol.Healthy or not..it's how I work.I prob wont have a real - exclusive relationship for awhile anyway.

Im just venting & dont expect anyone to really read this. it's lengthy. Im sure my friends are tired of hearin bout it & I figure id write about it.. maybe it'd make me feel better.

I cant seem to make myself feel better. Even talking w/ him - I end up waking up feeling fine & then in an instant...crying/missing him.
Breakups are hard in general But the ones you don't see coming/The ones that have no real reason...are to me...the worst.

We took it slow - dated for awhile & then relationship came. I usually jump all in when it comes to relationships - I rush them on all levels.
Same w/ him. We both feel we waited. Spent a good amount of time together & then alot of time - when he got sick & I took care of him. He wanted to "keep me" told me & I done so much for him more than any gf ever has & that I was different. He constantly told me how happy he  was w/ me & how happy he was to have met me. I felt the same, still do. He told me everything & asked me qs that were mainly supposed to be for the future: IE - how many kids do u wanna have, marriage, would I give away my cats in exchange for a dog (he's allergic to cats) etc.

I called him a unicorn because he made me feel soo happy & I considered him to be rare. I had never been soo happy w/ anyone else, & w/ him...I didn't know what to do. It was a strange feeling. We seemed equally into each other. I was surprised how optimistic & trusting he seemed considering he had been cheated on in every relationship & his last one (was engaged to) she lied to him about being a druggie *repeatedly*.After moving into a place where he had to pay more rent/things goin shitty at work. He started to knit pick at our relationship - sayin that I deserved better, he was a crappy bf, complained he was always broke.He seemed a lil sadder than before. I went to a fam gathering *he wanted me to go to meet the rest of his fam*..They liked me and apparently didnt like some of his other gfs and told him right away if they didnt like them.That followin day he dropped me off to hang w/ friends & we were good. That night he called & was tryin to breakup w/ me - he started listing things that could be probs or said I deserved better, he didnt love - he thought he should love me by now *even though it had only been close to 2 mo*, Mentioned hes outdoorsy (im not..so I thought mentioning that was ridiculous) its like he was grasping at things that werent there. We both agreed that we didnt want to see other people, enjoyed each other's company & sense of humour. He was told that he's fickle but wishes he could change it - (which he could if he tried)& also claimed that he never walks away from things..although he was tryin to walk away from our relationship. Well we didnt breakup that time.. & I told him that he should think more positive and theres really nothing wrong w/ our relationship.So almost a wk later - & it seemed okay..he just seemed incredibly unhappy w/ work/money related stuff.

He was supposed to be hanging w/ friends - havin a good time (he msged me that day in a good mood/seemingly happy). He drank a bunch & txted he was drunk *I thought... oh good - he's having a good time.. & drinking a bit* I've never seen him drunk & apparently he has a high tolerance..but I didnt think anything of it. He txted me askin if I had the car (I share a car) I didnt have it.So I said no & then didnt hear back for a cpl hrs - so I called cos I was wonderin what was up.Asked if he was okay/if he had needed a ride..or just wanted my company.He had just wanted me to come over. & apparently he was hung over and sounded super grumpy..so he was kind of coppin an attitude.I joked around w/ him bout bein grumpy. Had an opportunity to go over n see him so I called back lettin him know..& apparently the offer expired. He said he hadnt eaten - so he was gonna get food & go out again. I got offended but I ignored it...cos he was hungover and still grumpy.

I shouldve just avoided talkin to him that night..but I didnt & turns out he was gonna go out & drink again.. and from the sound of it it sounded like he was on a mission to get shitfaced yet again. it was like destructive day for him. He txted me sayin I deserve better & then later on said that he was gonna pull the asshole card & basically break up w/ me... because he felt he can't give me what I want & its 1 sided.

On the phone he seemed annoyed or angry... he had an attitude. He claims he cant give me marriage/kids. Although I never said I wanted that stuff asap or at all (I've been married before).I never hinted toward it. He was the one that was always talking about it or anything like that. I honestly think he got spooked. Everything was going well.. & I felt that because he was knit picking or over analyzing..he wasnt allowing himself to love me or feel that. You have to let yourself go to love.. not constantly try to find the negative or anticipate problems. I think because it was going well - it freaked him out. He claims he trusted me & didnt think id cheat (but im sure there was an inkling of that in the back of his mind..esp if its happened soo much). That night on the phone he was difficult.. & didnt want to drop my stuff off that night..but then ended up showing up on my porch w/ my stuff. He looked sad & looked teary (maybe he was just tired)..he kept rubbing his eyes. There were lengthy hugs, some convo, more lengthy hugs & a lil crying from me - cos i cant help it. That following day I saw him to pick up the remainder of my stuff + borrow a drawing I drew to make a print of it. I told him id pick up the stuff & wouldnt discuss stuff w/ him - cos I thought he would be tired of me tryin to prove my point. So he got offended cos I didnt want to discuss anything , he thought I wanted the drawin I drew for him back *permanently* or he thought I was tryin to antagonize? or start trouble.. not entirely sure, cos it didnt make sense to me. So he was being a punk and said he'd leave the stuff on the porch.. & later on after I explained y I wanted to borrow the drawing/wanted my stuff or not discuss, he changed his tune & waited for me at the house. We talked bout the reason it ended a lil bit & I told him he needs to allow himself to be happy, not knit pick & fix the other things in his life that could b affecting our relationship,. He said he still wants to see me/stay in contact.. & we madeout a bit *which was incredibly hot*. granted I started it.. & it went from a peck to "really kiss me" & he kissed me like he was gonna suck the life out of me.beautiful.

He mentioned us hanging maybe during the wknd and that hed talk to me soon. Even though it went well & we're still broken up... I constantly miss him. I keep myself busy but I cant stop thinkin bout him & I over analyze..like if theres something I couldve done. When I know its not my fault. I just wish he didnt think bout the future soo much...cos maybe it couldve worked out. We've talked since then but I still feel hes tryin to keep his distance.. & I dont think he should.. I just miss him dammit.. talkin to him...seeing him. As for seein me he plans on seein me before my trip but says that he also needs to get his shit together. Whether its money/gas - I can  pick him up/do free things. Dunno what it really has to do w/ me.. but ohwell.. gotta accept it I guess..I just get anxious to see or talk to him.. I got so used to it all.. it's hard. He had alot of good qualities - funny, fun to be around etc.I also feel that neither of us really want this...this break up. but I dunno,.... ohwell I guess.

Rain On Your Parade

I wish you well
I hope you survive
I hope you live, oh baby, so I can watch you cry.

'Cause I know in time you'll see what you did to me
And you'll come running back.

I'm gonna rain on your parade
No, I won't take it again
And I'll keep raining, raining, raining over you.

I pity the fools who believe in you
'Cause I know someday now, they'll see your colours too.
And if you see a smile, besides my face, know I'm doing good now.
Since you've been erased.

'Cause I know in time you'll see what you did to me
And you'll come running back.

I'm gonna rain on your parade.
No, I won't take it again.
And I'll keep raining, raining, raining over you.