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Rain On Your Parade

I wish you well
I hope you survive
I hope you live, oh baby, so I can watch you cry.

'Cause I know in time you'll see what you did to me
And you'll come running back.

I'm gonna rain on your parade
No, I won't take it again
And I'll keep raining, raining, raining over you.

I pity the fools who believe in you
'Cause I know someday now, they'll see your colours too.
And if you see a smile, besides my face, know I'm doing good now.
Since you've been erased.

'Cause I know in time you'll see what you did to me
And you'll come running back.

I'm gonna rain on your parade.
No, I won't take it again.
And I'll keep raining, raining, raining over you.

Frustrations, Thoughts, Sleeplessness


1. I'm frustrated that my last relationship ended on a shitty note.He was very nonchalant & made it seem like it was a lost cause/all him & that he needed to be single.Turns out he just needed to be rid of me.I felt like an idiot - I was heartbroken & he was normal..not heartbroken.Seemed happy actually.For a brief moment I thought we'd get back - he claimed he missed me, told me how great I was, and apologized for the way he was, he didnt deserve me etc.Its fine we didnt get back.We became faux friends. I Recently found out he managed to get a GF (supposedly engaged) at the end of the yr (5 or so months after we split up).I found out through someone else (who happened to be my date) didnt know they knew each other.I dont care he's with someone - we're like pb & mustard..we dont go together but what angers me is the fact he found someone..so easy for him.. like buyin a pair of shoes.BFS are like comets to me...theyre rare.Maybe I'm too picky/not picky enough? Who knows.? I consider myself to be a great catch.Currently under construction when it comes to the car/job/bod but Im a good person..& I care alot.I put alot into my relationships etc.Good things come to good people/those who wait... but where are my good things? I'm still waiting...

2. I help my mom around the house.. been doin it alot lately - alot of cleaning.Tryin my best to make her happy.It seems like it's never enough.She still picks fights w/ me & says things that will obviously hurt me.If I cleaned the bathroom... she would comment on how I didnt wash the dishes.. or anything else I DIDNT do. She used to be thrilled when I cleaned the whole house. Now I like it doesnt matter anymore. Im sure it has nothing to do w/ me but it still makes me sad.She's always in pain/feels shitty..& I feel like I'm her personal punching bag.. well verbally. Shes basically hot n cold.(dont get me wrong..my mom is awesome & does alot of stuff for me.. but lately she's been horrible with me)

3. I'm gaining weight again.I lost 20 & gained 25.I wanna lose a bunch of it before my bday but it just seems soo hard now. I'll do it.. I just need to snap out of it.I keep in mind that the older I get the harder it'll be to do so.. so I might aswell do it now. For me. I don't like being overweight.

4. Im currently blocked when it comes to creativity. I've been tryin to draw here & there.. & I cant seem to get it on paper. I STILL wanna tackle my sewing machine, perfect my hair accessories & custom converse.Practice makes perfect. There are all these creative things I wanna do..but I act like theres something holdin me back..& there isnt.. just me.I just need to throw myself out there.. & DO IT. Like Nike says hehe :)

5. I want to stop being soo shy, say how I feel..I dont want to be the type thats abrasive & needs a filter..but just speak up...& be more outgoing. I want to do things like make clothing, sell my art or model. I'm getting better about it all but at a snails pace. lol O_o

6. If I had money, I would do things...that I've never tried: Camping, paintballing, go karts, possibly snowboarding, skiing, dogsledding? lol.. I dont know.. just diff stuff. I need to. I dont want to be 65 & say " why didnt I try those things.."

7. I was good friends with someone recently that I thought was a good friend up until recently. She told me how great of a friend I was, things I've done for her, helping her through her hellish time tryin to get over her ex. We were gaming/drinking buddies. Well recently she got a new GF. She told me about all these lil red flags in the relationship..but continues to stay in it cos she loves her. The girl sounds nice & I've wanted to meet her, so recently I invited her & her gf to hang w/ me & some friends for beer pong (I didnt want to go by myself).She agreed & said she'd get ready & call when theyre on their way. Well hrs went by & no call. After I called her cell 3 times, I decided to call her house. She said she wasnt comin out & when asked why she didnt call, she casually said "oh well we had dinner..." I guess that was supposed to be a good reason (to her atleast) but I was pissed.I told her how I was waiting, & asked them to come because I didnt want to go alone... & said she couldve atleast called & that it was BS. I decided to skip the insults/screaming & just hung up on her.
I've previously called to invite her out & instead shed rather hang w/ her gf or watch tv.She was being a lousy friend..& this was the last straw. She hasnt bothered to call to apologize for being inconsiderate.......nothing. My guess is that she hasnt called because she has a GF.. so she doesnt need me. but if it doesnt work out.. I'm not gonna be there for her. U cant treat me like crap.. & expect me to be there for u 24/7. Overall.. it disappointed me. I honestly thought more of her.. & she proved me wrong. I've stuck up for her, even though some of my friends dont care for her much.Look where that got me...

I dont have much else to be bothered bout except that these pain pills/muscle relaxers arent doin crap for me. I'm still in alot of pain & keep gettin spasms, where I lock up & cant move.I'm finally feelin tired..so thats good cos lately I've been stayin up till 7 am & 5 am is better than that. Next time bed time will be 2 am lol..
Dont worry I'm not suicidal, dont hate myself etc - these r just some things that have bothered me/built up.
Anyway goodnight :)

Holidays Kill Me

When I'm single.. I dislike holidays..

They bring back memories.. U never think of the bad times.. only the good times of a past relationship..

I guess its to make yerself feel like shit..

The kisses, the sex, the laughs.. the little things.This last one hurts worse..cos it was a special relationship..although there were many cracks in the foundation.

I don't mind being single...but I love, LOVE. The butterflies...the anxiousness I get, waiting to see that person or talking to them, Waking up next to them..being cuddled in the middle of the night. The "I love yous", the kisses, the passion...& the loving looks. Sometimes I feel like an old puzzle that's been thrown to the side w/ pieces missing.. like I'll never find those pieces to make me whole again. As retarded as that sounds. I'm not saying I want to have a shitty relationship, just so that I'm not alone.. (Cos I'd rather be single than be w/ someone that makes me miserable) I'm just sayin that holidays make me feel like shooting myself. lol. Doesn't help that I saw him today & that I watched "the women".. (husband cheats on wife...blah blah blah) Normally this wouldnt kill me but I guess today just wasnt a good day for me.Note to self: dont watch any romance/chick flicky movies & avoid lovey dovey ANYTHING (IE commercials..etc)

Its funny, when in bed (I couldnt sleep... & I have to be up early) I wrote this out in my head & it sounded great.. & now, I can't seem to remember all the crap I was thinking.

I generally have some updating to do. I'm under construction..physically (cos I just am..I look a lil raggedy lol...my roots are screaming & I look like a big stick)

Mentally..because this job thing sucks ass.. & I'm tryin my best to be positive.

I'm also trying not to worry as much & for me that's incredibly hard..seeing that I worry about EVERYTHING. Well almost.

I just felt like venting.. & no i'm not gonna be retarded & kill myself. Tomorrow is another day.. & I will be happy - go lucky as usual.Writing stuff out is a good outlet for me, cos I seriously felt crappy.. - I dont care who reads this..so what? I'm still a rockstar.

haha! I'm a nerd.

later...

Ah yes, this was called for a bit ago.lol

Single Ladies

All the single ladies (7x)
Now put your hands up
Up in the club, just broke up
I’m doing my own little thing
Decided to dip but now you wanna trip
Cuz another brother noticed me
I’m up on him, he up on me
Don’t pay him any attention
Cried my tears, three good years
Ya can’t be mad at me

[Chorus]
Cuz if you liked it then you should have put a ring on it
If you liked it then you should have put a ring on it
Don’t be mad once you see that he want it
If you liked it then you should have put a ring on it

(Chorus)
I put gloss on my lips, a man on my hips
Hold me tighter than my Dereon jeans
Acting up, drink in my cup
I could care less what you think
I need no permission, did I mention
Don’t pay him any attention
Cuz you had your turn
But now you gonna learn
What it really feels to miss me

(Chorus)

Don’t treat me like things of this world
I’m not that kind of girl
Your love is what I prefer, what I deserve
He’s a man that makes me and takes me
And delivers me to a destiny, to infinity and beyond
Pull me into your arms
Say I’m not the one you own
If you don’t, you’ll be alone
And like a ghost, I’ll be gone

All the single ladies (7x)
Now put your hands up
Erm yeah, Nuff said.. lol

Womanizer

Superstar, where you from, how's it going?
I know you, got a clue what you're doing
You can play brand new to all the other chicks out here
But I know what you are, what you are baby

Look at you, getting more than just a re-up
Baby you got all the puppets with their strings up
Fakin' like a good one, but I call 'em like I see 'em
I know what you are, what you are baby

Womanizer, woman, womanizer, you're a womanizer
Oh, womanizer, oh, you're a womanizer, baby
You, you, you are, you, you, you, are
Womanizer, womanizer, womanizer, womanizer

Boy, don't try to front, I
I know just
Just what you are-are-are

Boy, don't try to front, I
I know just
Just what you are-are-are

You, you got me going
You, you're oh-so-charming
You, but I can't do it
You, womanizer

Boy, don't try to front, I
I know just
Just what you are-are-are

Boy, don't try to front, I
I know just
Just what you are-are-are

You, you say I'm crazy
You, I got ya crazy
You, you're nothing but a womanizer

Daddy-o, you got the swagger of a champion
Too bad for you, you just can't find the right companion
I guess when you have one too many, makes it hard, it could be easy
Who you are, that's just who you are, baby

Lollipop, must mistake me, I'm no sucker
To think that I would be a victim of another
Say it, play it how you want it
But no way, I'm never gonna fall for you, never you baby

Womanizer, woman, womanizer, you're a womanizer
Oh, womanizer, oh, you're a womanizer, baby
You, you, you are, you, you, you, are
Womanizer, womanizer, womanizer, womanizer

Boy, don't try to front, I
I know just
Just what you are-are-are

Boy, don't try to front, I
I know just
Just what you are-are-are

You, you got me going
You, you're oh-so-charming
You, but I can't do it
Womanizer

Boy, don't try to front, I
I know just
Just what you are-are-are

Boy, don't try to front, I
I know just
Just what you are-are-are

You, you say I'm crazy
You, I got ya crazy
You, you're nothing but a womanizer

Maybe if we both lived in a different world
Womanizer, womanizer, womanizer, womanizer
It would be all good and maybe I could be your girl
But I can't cause we don't you

Womanizer, woman, womanizer, you're a womanizer
Oh, womanizer, oh, you're a womanizer, baby
You, you, you are, you, you, you, are
Womanizer, womanizer, womanizer, womanizer

Boy, don't try to front, I
I know just
Just what you are-are-are

Boy, don't try to front, I
I know just
Just what you are-are-are

You, you got me going
You, you're oh-so-charming
You, but I can't do it
You, womanizer

Boy, don't try to front, I
I know just
Just what you are-are-are

Boy, don't try to front, I
I know just
Just what you are-are-are

You, you say I'm crazy
You, I got ya crazy
You, you're nothing but a womanizer

Boy, don't try to front, I
I know just
Just what you are-are-are

Boy, don't try to front, I
I know just
Just what you are-are-are

Womanizer, woman, womanizer, you're a womanizer
Oh, womanizer, oh, you're a womanizer, baby
Well actually...thats a lie.. I'm not up in the gym..but I've decided to get back on track w/ that + losing weight. In the last 3 or so years I've lost 44 lbs. I've gained a smidge back.. & I really dont want to end up like that again. I would like to lose another 50. I went to get a physical recently and realized I gain 4 more lbs than I thought (so including my home scale.. I've prob gained bout 10 back...and thats horrible)

Lately I've been stressed and eating alot of junk.I'm an emotional eater. I've had soo much beer lately that just thinkin bout it grosses me out (I've been out alot lately. Free drinks = alot of drinking.) I hardly drink to begin w/..so thats why this is surprising to me and it bothers me. I had a nice ass, tits, and legs.. and I feel like theyre no longer upto par lol.
Anyhoo.. I've decided to make this shit happen..and follow this through.:)
(even though...it's hard to stay determined/keep it up..)

Below are some ladies that I think have/had awesome bods


Photobucket

A Shell Of A Man...

So as of yesterday I found out im gettin divorced.
Although this was kind of our 2nd time around. He did a 180 and played the loving,affectionate & sweet husband.Within the last wk or so we went downhill (incredibly fast).We stopped talking - First he assured me that we werent gonna split and then 2 days later (being sep. from each other) he decided that he was happy by himself(this divorce thing/reason was news to me).

I cant believe someone can be like that. To choose to by alone esp when u have someone that would do anything for u, give u alone/friend time, be your friend/lover - wife.

Usually people that love themselves too much like that end up old and alone....some...eventually unhappy.

I'm glad he did it before his bday though (bday in august). Cos I was planning on buying him shit that he really wants(expensive shit).If he did it after, i wouldve went ape shit cos I dont have much money...

He was very nonchalant about all this, sipping his black coffee and smoking a cigg. I seriously wanted to get in my car, run his gumby/guile ass over, back up and do donuts.

I'm surprised he didnt ask to be friends like he norm. does (hes pulled this shit before).

So in conclusion there was no changing his mind/there was a discussion but it was only to vent I suppose & he basically is a selfish boy who would choose to be by himself. Apparently Im great... he just loves himself way too much. He rubbed my arm to reassure me that everything would be okay & I wanted to break his arm. I was filled w/ rage.

He's gonna take care of the divorce process asap. So, I have nothing to do w/ it.

And yes... im angry (obviously), although I shouldnt be considering it's better to be divorced than to be w/ a selfish,egotistical shell of a man. Im angry because he thought he wanted this.. and dragged me through the mud & broke my heart yet again.I'm angry w/ myself for wearing my heart on my sleeve but I took a chance w/ him & it of course failed. Lesson learned I guess.

No Good....

No Good

I never feared the unexpected
'Till I found myself in this peculiar place
Unaware of where I was headed
Turns out it was your footsteps I had chased

Well I should know so much better than this
But you've occupied the center of my universe

I'm moving in reverse
Under your mighty curse
I hate myself for loving you
I turn my head away
But my heart will remain
'Till the day I learn you're No Good for me

It's illogical and it's outrageous
The way I let you keep me hangin' on
Your character is that contagious
I know I should have thought before I had done
I've gone and let my impulse be my guide
And on that note I'll be defenseless for some time

I'm moving in reverse
Under your mighty curse
I hate myself for loving you
I turn my head away
But my heart will remain
'Till the day I learn you're No Good for me

Hey you there keep your distance
Don't you come around here
Don't test my patience baby
'Cause I aint gonna let you off easy

I'm moving in reverse
Under your mighty curse
I hate myself for loving you
I turn my head away
But my heart will remain
'Till the day I learn you're No Good
'Till the day I learn you're No Good
'Till the day I learn you're No Good for me

You're No Good, you're No good, you're No Good, you're No Good for me
You're No Good, you're No good, you're No Good for me

Ooh you're No Good
Ooh you're No Good
No Good for me

What To Do....

What to do ...when yer married to a quitter...someone who makes snap judgements. Even though the day before said something completely different.Can let people's opinions effect a decision/marriage.A person can only change.. if they know what theyre doing wrong.Communication is key. If a person is willing to change, and both people want it.. then there should be time to allow this change.Not decide a day after that everything is impossible. Just because u have a beer w/ the guys.. doesnt mean that puts everything into perspective.

I'm married to someone who makes these random decisions.Thinks these decisions are brilliant...and comes to realize later that these decisions may have been a mistake. Brazil was supposed to be a wise decision and it ended up being - misery and somewhat a mistake.

What to do.. when the person thinks theyre always right...that they'll never go back on their "bright ideas". Theyd rather quit than try to fix things.. even if they think they tried fixing it.How can u fix a prob when u dont address it immediately? Only current things count.. anything before may or this month doesnt count as far as im concerned. I threw all our probs...disagreements out the window long time ago.

Despite his idiocy and the fact I know hes wrong (cos of previous statements,actions)...

I love him.

Friends...

I had this friend for about maybe 14 yrs.. all i know its been hell of a long time.

We lost touch..and of course I found her on myspace. We rarely talk.. and she hardly replies to emails. So I had wondered if it was pointless to write anymore and had asked.

She claims she barely keeps up w/ her current friends - so in other words she wouldnt be able to keep up w/ her childhood friends.

I dont understand that concept.. of trading friends...not keeping them. I like to have long friendships. Ones that u could look back on and say ..DAMN, we've known each other THAT long?/stuff that we used to do....those were the days type of crap.

I can understand loosely keepin in touch cos...well - you have lives but to cut the cord completely? - makes no sense to me.

My response was basically that I guess friendships mean more to me.

Making new friends is always fun but its great to have history w/ someone.. - theres trust and of course u know all the bits n pieces - the pet peeves, likes/dislikes etc..

In conclusion...throwing away friendships - esp. if they were good/got along is ridiculous to me and it pisses me off lol.

Now,....I have to go make lunch... wee!